It was the morning of my first day back. It was like the first day of school again – I had my outfit picked out, my lunch was packed the night before, my breakfast bar ready to go, and I didn’t get a lot of sleep (but that was mostly because Kallie decided that whole “sleeping through the night thing” wasn’t for her anymore). The first of many freezer meals was in the crockpot and Kallie’s diaper bag was fully stocked, with meticulously pumped breast milk in the fridge. She was asleep which I so appreciated so I didn’t feel like I was “leaving” her.
When I got to work, it was like I had never left but also like my first day all coupled into one. I sat down to over 2,000 emails, a team that was ready to go, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, let alone know where to start. And right when I started to feel like I was making some progress into my black hole of emails, I had to go and pump. In a suit. In a tiny room. With an apparatus attached to me making me feel all sorts of professional. Ironically enough, I learned to enjoy this time because it was my solitary break where I could take a deep breath, check up on Kallie, and gear up to go again.
The schedule I worked out with my boss of me coming in before the sun even thought of waking up and leaving a little bit early was working out great. Kallie would take 2 naps during the time I was away so I didn’t feel I was missing as much. We were fortunate enough to have my wonderful sister in law and her two very attentive littles watch her Monday, Wednesday, Friday; my mom had her on Tuesdays and my mother in law on Thursdays. They all would dutifully send me multiple pictures throughout the day so I could see my little sweetie. I never had to worry about if she was being taken care of but my heart would still yearn for her.
While I was at work, there was so much going on and I would get so absorbed into my day-to-day that it was able to thankfully take my mind off of me being away from my baby. When I got in my car, I would long to be with her and rush home to do so. I would sometimes feel guilty if I caught myself not thinking about her every second – did this make me a bad mom? I knew she was being taken care of so I would let my mind focus on my task at hand – was this acceptable now that I was a mom?
After my first full week of being back, I was laying with Kallie in our front room and I just started bawling. I had held it together all week and couldn’t hold it in any longer. Josh came in, noticed the influx of tears, and asked if I was doing OK. To which, I responded, “it’s just so nice to be with her all day again.” And it was. It gave me a whole new appreciation for the weekends but also made me wonder how I was going to be able to do that same whirlwind of a week again. Of trying to be everything bundled into one.
As hard as it was at the beginning, the good news is, things got better. I knew Kallie was getting the full love and attention she needed every single day. That was the most important thing for me – that she was being taken care of with love. This allowed me to focus on my day while I was at work and then focus on her when I got home. The funny thing is, my performance actually increased and a new fire was built inside of me. If I was going to be away from Kallie, I was going to make sure it was worth it and that I thoroughly enjoyed it.
We slowly developed our “new normal”. She got to bond with and enjoy time with her daddy in the morning from when she woke up until when he would drop her off. Josh cherishes his time with her and they have formed a great bond because of it. She then would get to go play with her cousins, aunt, and grandmas and develop lasting relationships. I would pick her up and we would play together the rest of the night. When I was with her, my phone would go away, and I would just focus on Kallie and have quality time with my sweetie pie.
The first picture I got at work
Doing such good tummy time
My first Saturday back
How was your experience in going back to work? Were you able to hold it together longer than me? Did you have any of the mommy guilt – or what causes you to have mommy guilt now? What works for you as your “new normal”?
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